Primary Physician Clearance Letter

Today I dropped off my request for a clearance letter at my primary physician's office. And then I went and ate biscuits and gravy.

*Shaking my head.*  All I could think of on my way to drop off the letter was that I probably won't have biscuits and gravy again once I have my surgery. And I HATE that I cared about that. I hate that I felt the need to go get biscuits and gravy and that as I ate them, I probably could have had more. I hate that I feel as though I'm always hungry. I hate that food controls so much of my day. I hate that when I eat with other people, I eat so much more than everyone before I feel full or satisfied.

    I HATE the way food controls my life and that it is destroying my health.

Anyway, tomorrow I get fitted for an at-home sleep study. The results are read by a neurologist and will satisfy the pre-operative requirements set by my doctor. I know for a fact that I snore because I've been waking myself up at night, but this will decide whether or not I have apnea (probably.)
If I do, they will want me fitted for a C-PAP so that I can have it in post-op recovery. I'm not thrilled about having to wear one, but hopefully as I lose weight, I won't need it anymore.

On a side note, very dear friends of ours evacuated their homes in Charleston this last week and stayed with us for four days, waiting out the storm. While they were here, they threw a little impromptu 39th birthday party for me.
And took pictures.

And then a few days later we went and visited another of our friends in Knoxville and met their new baby.

It was a wonderful week with our friends, but all I could see were these pictures where I couldn't recognize myself. What have I become? While they were here, we went to the Zoo and my shoe came untied. I squatted to tie my shoe and almost couldn't do it because my boobs and belly wouldn't let me reach my foot. It was humiliating because I knew how I appeared to others as I struggled to tie my shoe. 

I'm so ready for things to change...and yet, I still went out for biscuits and gravy today. *sigh*

Friday I get my psych eval...

Meet the Doc

Today I met Dr. Boyce and I was blown away by his gentle, compassionate manner. He was incredibly kind and understanding and I felt like he really heard me. He listened to my concerns and agreed that the Sleeve procedure would be a good fit for me. It seems that since I will be a self pay patient that I won't have to wait the 6 months that is normal for most insurances. On one hand, this is incredibly exciting for me. On the other...AAAAAAHHHH!!!

I only need to tie up a few loose ends before I can schedule my surgery, and from what I understand, I could have surgery as quickly as a month after I'm scheduled. At the end of my appointment, I scheduled my psych eval for the end of next week. After that, I only need a letter from my primary care physician approving me for surgery and a sleep study. When my primary referred me for a sleep study, the sleep center couldn't even get me in for a referral until DECEMBER! Luckily, my step-father, who is a physician, uses an at-home sleep study company that I can do as early as this coming Tuesday. Dr. Boyce approved this plan (he said he does the at-home sleep studies for his patients too.)
Sooo, it is possible I will be ready to schedule my surgery in a little over a week.

Required Weight Loss Seminar

Tonight I attended the required weight loss seminar. The room was packed out and I arrived late because for some reason, I thought it started at 6 instead of 5:30. Luckily, I arrived in time to hear about the different kinds of procedures and the pros and cons related to each procedure. I'd pretty much decided on the Gastric Sleeve before attending the seminar. The information I received only reinforced that the sleeve is the best option for me.
I learned that all the procedures are now performed laparoscopically which drastically reduces the surgical risk and that the New Life Center's complication rates are incredibly low. I've always been terrified of the prospect of gastric bypass because there are SO many stories of friends of friends who've died from post-operative complications. In fact, my best friend's father in law died from complications from gastric bypass. I have small sons, ages 9, 6, and 3 years old. I didn't/don't want to do anything that would cause them to lose their mother.
The seminar went a long way in reassuring me of my safety. The doctors really know their stuff and their numbers speak for themselves. In the end, I'm glad I went to the seminar.

Required Support Group Attendance

Tonight I attended a bariatric surgery support group per the requirement for surgery approval. The one particular support group that is closest to me only happens once a month and for some reason I feel an incredible urgency to get all of the requirements out of the way. If I missed this meeting, there wouldn't be another until November. November is such a crazy month, I worried that something would come up that would prevent me from attending and slow down this process even more.

The support group was a very open and encouraging group of people. I wish the moderator had directed the conversation more, but still, a lot of information that I wouldn't have considered asking about was discussed. It was incredibly encouraging to see the amount of weight everyone had lost, because (If I'm honest) my biggest fear is that this surgery won't work for me.

I was probably the newest person to the group and to the process, though for half of the group, it was their first time coming. Almost everyone there already had a surgery date and I know for a fact that I was the only one who'd yet to meet the doctor. This made me a little more hesitant to share or ask questions because I felt like maybe I shouldn't be there so early in the process.

Anyway, I finished this requirement and I look forward to going back again post-operative to share my experiences.

The Call

Today I made the call and scheduled my consultation with Dr. Boyce of New Life Center for Bariatric Surgery. This so happened to be the doctor that my primary care physician recommended but as I researched Drs. Boyce and Williams, I discovered that they are renown for the work they do. They have one of the lowest percentages of post-operative complications in the state and they were the seventh center in the COUNTRY designated as a Center of Excellence by the American Society for Metabolic & Bariatric Surgery (ASMBS.) The center also has several other distinctions because of their expertise.
    The scheduler let me know that before I could meet with the doctor I had to attend a weight loss seminar in which they discuss the different surgery options and payment options (insurance vs. self pay.) I scheduled my seminar for Thursday October 6th and my consultation is Friday, October 7th at 10 am.
Soon after my call, I received an email packet with all of the paperwork I'd need to have filled out for my appointment. Everything from every diet I've ever tried to every pound I've ever lost. There was a letter for my primary to sign, a list of Bariatric support groups and a letter of proof of attendance. It's mandatory to also attend at least one Bariatric support group and since there is one the Tuesday night before my appointment, I plan on attending that just to get it out of the way.

Side note: I've had a bit of a hiccup. I've always known that my husband's insurance did NOT pay for bariatric procedures. However, just as a double check I CALLED and spoke with a representative who told me that our policy DID include weight loss surgery. I was surprised, but excited. Unfortunately, I received an email that told me I was NOT covered for weight loss surgery :(
I'm still going forward though. New Life has self-pay options that other clinics do not, including post operative insurance for any complications that may arise (BLIS.)

My Life-

    I hesitate even to begin this entry because thinking on the dips and valleys of my lifelong weight loss journey fills me with an incredible amount of hopelessness. My first memory of being aware of  "being fat" was when I was only three. Even now in my mind, I can see my mother in front of a mirror, examining her body with disgust. She sighed and said, "I'm so fat" before walking away, her words still lingering in the air. I walked up to that same mirror and looked at my toddler-pooched belly and said, for the very first time, "I'm so fat." It was the first time I saw myself in a negative way. It was the first time I was aware that there was a "right" appearance and a "wrong" appearance. It was the first time that I hated something about myself.
    It's important to note that I was NOT an overweight little girl. Not even chubby. But my perception was skewed from the moment I heard my mother's self-abuse. There WAS a time between the age of eight or nine and thirteen that I did enter into the realm of chubby. I remember writing in my journal that I wished I was skinny so that the boys would like me.
  So.That.The.Boys.Would.Like.Me

My best friend Rebecca (right) and I (on left)

    I was already convinced that the boys wouldn't like me if I had a little extra weight--that I would have no value to them if I weren't thin.
    Athletics restored a great deal of my confidence...but at the same time, I thinned out during ball season. So in some ways, my confidence was still tied to my weight.

Freshman year of college

I wasn't grossly overweight in highschool, but I was by no means thin. I would have been termed on the thick side of athletic. I dated very little in high school and there was that part of me that believed that if I'd only lose thirty or more pounds--if I became THIN--then boys would ask me out.

Freshman year of college. I felt so fat compared to these girls

    The summer before college I stopped eating and dropped about thirty pounds. I wasn't skinny, but I was thinner and felt good about myself. I felt strong and sexy. I was more outgoing and enjoyed my freshman year of college. By my sophomore year, however, I began experiencing some strange hormonal symptoms. Increased acne, depression, and--the worst-- massive weight gain. I'd gain 10 lbs a month if I didn't starve myself and exercise like a mad woman. Ten years later I'd discover that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and that it often manifests around the age of 19. But at the time, I had no idea why I was gaining 10 lbs a month and couldn't get out of bed to go to class. Over the next 4 years I went from 154 lbs my freshman year to 220 lbs.
    After college, and after a failed 3 year relationship (which I blamed on my weight gain...but that is another blog post) I started exercising again like a crazed person. I found the Atkins diet which works really well for the insulin resistant condition that is PCOS. In short, I lost 40 lbs and met my now husband.
See...I'd lost the weight and found a man...once again reaffirming in my mind that no one could love me as a fat person. Of course, at 180 lbs I wasn't thin, but on my muscular frame, 180 looks good on me. I was more confident post college at 180 than I was in high school at 180 where all the females were waifish thin. Or perhaps I was simply more mature and could like myself at 180. Anyway, it was a good time.
That year I continued to lose until I made it down to 167...for about three weeks. At that point, I began my steady upward climb. And now...14 years later, I've never been at that weight since. In fact, in 2005 I ballooned up to 260 lbs. After being diagnosed (finally) with PCOS in 2006, I began treatment which slowly, over the next 6 years, helped me eventually get down to the high 180s again. It didn't last though. After my last child three years ago, I am now back up to 247 lbs. The highest I've been in almost 8 years.

Close to 260lbs, right before being diagnosed with
PCOS

And so here I am, four days away from my 39th birthday and the mother of three young boys ages 9, 6, and 3, and I'm the unhealthiest I've ever been in my life. I most likely have diabetes. My cholesterol is too high, my knees hurt, and I'm terrified that I won't be around to see my 3 year old graduate high school. A few days ago at my check up, I told my doctor I had to do something about my weight...that I felt like I was dying a slow death. She agreed and we came to the conclusion that I'm ready to pursue some kind of Bariatric surgery.

8 years ago after my oldest was born.
I was around what I weigh now, 145 ish

    I have to admit that I'm freaking out a little, but I also have hope for the first time in a very long time.